12 Top tips for keeping cool in Reading during a heatwave

It’s likely that you won’t have heard about it or noticed it unless you’re particularly observant, but we’re currently experiencing something of a heatwave in this country. Temperatures are potentially about to break records in the South East, with Reading in a prime position to soak up lots of beautiful sunshine for us to all enjoy and top up our tans with.

Sorry, that’s not right, is it? It’s 2022 and everything’s a reason to panic and shit your knickers. So this fantastic weather that absolutely none of us have been enjoying is nothing but a giant cause for incredible concern.

With only the Met Office, every major TV news network, all national and local newspapers, the entirety of social media, your local council and most major corporations and brands telling us to ‘watch out’, ‘be careful’ and ‘have a bit of a drink every now and again’ like we’re particularly thick primary school children, we thought we’d help out by providing you fine (but ultimately simple-minded) people with some advice of our own.

This is Shit Things in Reading’s guide to keeping cool in Reading during a heatwave. Read it, enjoy it and don’t die.

1, Hang out in the freezer aisle of your local supermarket

Whether you shop down Waitrose in Caversham or the Lidl on the Oxford Road, you have near-permanent access to enormous freezer units by which you can sit and keep cool. Bring a deckchair and laptop and you can binge watch the latest Netflix series or catch up on some emails as you bask in the free chilled supermarket air.

Worried about being slung out? Don’t be. They legally can’t kick you out. Provided you buy a bag of peas or some fish fingers of something once every four to five hours, the staff can’t touch you. Remember – you know your rights!

2, Stay hydrated at one of town’s m̶a̶n̶y̶ pubs or bars

When it’s hot out there, it’s vital you keep hydrated. One of the best places to do this is ‘down the pub’ (if you can find one). Most pubs sell liquid by ‘the pint’ (slightly more than half a litre). Try ‘lager’ or ‘cider’. Doctors working on consultancy retainers for Diageo recommend seven to eight pints a day for full refreshment.

3, Avoid the discomfort of attempting to sleep at night by sleeping during the day

Sleeping during a spell of particularly hot weather can be tricky. We’ve all spent hot nights tossing and turning, with just a sheet over us, desktop fan sat on our bedside table swishing away at our overheating bodies. Make hot nights a thing of the past by – instead – sleeping during the day.

Sleeping during the day frees up the night for doing all the things it was too hot to do in the daytime, such as driving aggressively around Tilehurst, emailing Alok Sharma about the bins or digging large and unnecessary holes in your back garden.

4, Cool off in the Thames or the canal

When it gets really hot, have a little swim about in the Thames or the Kennet & Avon canal. Despite fearmongering from news outlets and the media for years, no one has actually drowned in a British waterway for well over a century [citation needed].

5, Heat rises, so seek shelter underground in the Turtle’s basement bar

Heat rises – that’s basic science. Although that doesn’t explain why mountains are often covered in snow, but there you are. Still, heat rises, apparently.

If heat rises, it stands to reason that cold sinks. Although that doesn’t explain the fiery depths of Hell. Still, cold sinks, probably.

It would make sense that in order to cool keep in a heatwave, you need to go underground. Go subterranean. The basement part of the Purple Turtle, for instance. Customers rarely ever die from heat exhaustion down there, or if they do the management are very good at covering it up.

6, Think ‘ice, ice baby’

Now what’s cooler than being cool? That’s right! ‘Ice cold!’ Andrew 2000 or whatever his name was from The Outcasts knew the importance of ice during a hot spell. Ask him and he’ll tell you that when the mercury rises, you should munch on an ice cube or two.

If he was in Reading town centre, perhaps he’s recommend you getting a Tango Ice Blast from Manzano’s and snorting a dozen big fat lines of the stuff right there off one of the tables. Then he might ask you to lend him some sugar because he’s your neighbour. He’s an odd fella, but his heart’s in the right place.

7, Turn your central heating down a bit

Hot summers and the steep rise of energy costs meaning that when facing an extreme heatwave, it’s sensible to turn down your central heating by a few degrees. Knock it down to 23 or 24. That should do it.

8, Keep cool at one of Reading’s many swimming pools

You can keep cool in Reading by taking a dip in any one of the town’s many swimming pools such as ̶A̶r̶t̶h̶u̶r̶ ̶H̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶S̶w̶i̶m̶m̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶P̶o̶o̶l̶ ̶R̶e̶a̶d̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶C̶e̶n̶t̶r̶a̶l̶ ̶S̶w̶i̶m̶m̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶P̶o̶o̶l̶ Coral Reef in Bracknell.

9, Close everything

Make sure you close your windows, your doors, your curtains, your blinds, your eyes, your mouth, your ears and – most importantly – your mind. Heat is a sly killer, it will infiltrate your home and body at the merest of invitations. Take the man pictured here, for instance… Sunlight and warmth will have penetrated his gaping maw and cooked his gizzards in a matter of moments. RIP Screaming Traumatised Stock Image Idiot Man.

10, Ask for your Munchees/Rafina fry-up to be served cold

Popular wisdom has it that ‘there’s nowt more refreshing than a cooked breakfast’. But as popular as egg, bacon, beans, sausages, black pudding, mushrooms, grilled tomatoes, hash browns and fried bread, all washed down with a huge cup of piping hot tea, may be with us Brits when we’re looking to cool down, scientists now believe that The Great British Fry-Up may not actually be as cooling as first thought.

So when ordering your Big Breakfast Belly Buster Bastard from Café Rafina or Munchees, think smart. Ring ahead to place your order in advance, making sure you ask them to cook your Full English an hour before you arrive, thereby making your meal as cold and soothing as possibly. They’ll be only too pleased to keep your plate in the fridge and – if you ask – your brew in the freezer.

11, Consider using ice creams and lollies as sex aids at The 613

Cooped up in stuffy, airless rooms giving hand jobs to bus drivers, their sweaty bare arses getting friction burns from rubber sheets, it ain’t easy being a sex worker during a heatwave. So, if you’re a customer of our town’s finest knocking shop, be considerate of the staff’s needs.

We’re not talking about anything too fruity, like keeping them hydrated with ‘watersports’ or anything. This is Reading, not our twin town Düsseldorf. No, we’re talking something a little more vanilla. Literally. Perhaps try spanking them with a Magnum, using a Zoom as a dildo or a screwball for a butt plug.

12, Avoid being a Hollywood celebrity or transsexual near Ricky Gervais

We’ve left perhaps the most useful piece of heatwave advice until last. It’s vital that you don’t come into contact with Reading’s most famous son, Ricky Gervais. Especially if you’re a movie star at an awards ceremony or someone with gender dysphoria. Only the last thing you need during extreme heat is ‘a burn’! 🤣🤣🤣

Whatever you do during this spell of very hot weather, please make sure to overhydrate and panic. Godspeed, you sweaty, stinky twats.

Tzatziki: A Caversham Street Party

Martin from number 27 picked up a 230g tub of Waitrose-branded tzatziki and stared at it blankly.

Was one enough? He glanced down at the shopping list that Verity had written for him, looking for a clue. An entire side of A5 that just said ‘tzatziki’ in his wife’s irritatingly clear and consistent handwriting. Five lines below that, in his own childish scrawl he’d scribbled ‘big brown bottles of fancy Peroni’.

He looked back up at the shelf. “It’s a dip, isn’t it?” he muttered to himself. “How much do you need just for just prodding bits of cut-up carrot and cucumber into? And maybe some flatbread cut up into little triangles.”

“Sorry, dear?” asked a kind-faced old woman next to him browsing coleslaw.

“Oh, nothing. I was just talking to myself. About tzatziki. I’m trying to work out if one pot will be enou-”

“Ooooh… lovely! Me and my George had that in Crete once. It’s a dip, isn’t it…?”


“Anyway, I’ll let you get on.”

Martin smiled thinly.

This was silly, he’d been standing there holding a pot of tzatziki for minutes now, feeling his hands getting colder and colder from the small blasts of chilled air coming from the powerful refrigerators. “It’s just bloody tzatziki, put some in the basket and go to the drinks bit,” he murmured under his breath.

Martin put the tub in his basket and turned around. The old woman was now staring at the pâté opposite. He looked at the selection himself. There was an awful lot of choice. Too much choice, surely. “How many options do you need for pâté?” he wondered. 

There was Brussels, Ardenne, salmon, tuna, mackerel, crab, trout, chicken liver, duck and orange, mushroom, aubergine and red pepper… There were even weird ones like ‘forestier’ and ‘pâté de Campagne’, neither of which he’d heard of. What was that second one, anyway? Champagne flavoured pâté? Verity would know. Which is probably why she’d written ‘pâté’ in perfect calligraphy on her own shopping list – with the acute accent and circumflex.

Now slightly concerned that there might be more than one type of tzatziki available and that he’d perhaps picked the wrong one, Martin turned back to where he was just stood. Thankfully it looked as though tzatziki was just tzatziki, there were no subcategories of the stuff like with the pâté. It was a relief. He’d spent so long worrying about the size of the tub he hadn’t thought about if there were different options. 

Then he noticed it. Set back a little on the shelf above: ‘Holy Moly vegan tzatziki’.

“Oh, Christ.”

Martin was now torn. Normal tzatziki or vegan tzatziki? The normal stuff was cheaper, of course. And you got more of it (230g vs. just 155g). 

Forlornly, he picked up the tub from his basket and put it back on the shelf. He didn’t know how many – if any – vegans even lived on his street. But it only took one, didn’t it? Perhaps he should buy one of each. Or two of each. He could ask Verity, but she was busy getting everything else. ‘I think I can handle picking some sodding dip,’ Martin tried to assert himself before taking a long, deep breath in through his nose and out through his mouth as the muscles around his left eye spasmed.

It seemed to Martin that even if they bought the vegan tzatziki, any vegans at the party would probably steer clear of it anyway. After all, why would a vegan eat what they thought was a yoghurt-based dip? The only way round it was to leave the packaging on to make it clear which was the vegan one and which was the normal one. But then the cardboard would probably fly off in a gust after it was opened and make it look like they’d littered the street or something.

“Should you call the non-vegan tzatziki ‘normal’?” he wondered. Or is that offensive to vegans? Him and Verity had discussed becoming vegetarians before. Usually immediately after eating veal on holiday. In the end, they always decided against it. ‘It’s not really fair on the kids,’ they usually decided.

It was decision time. Martin had pondered the tzatziki question long enough. He knew his sister would say this was yet another example of his ‘anxiety’, but he knew he was just being a bit indecisive. It wasn’t really a problem. The quicker he tackled this, the sooner he could get to the beer aisle and see what they had. Hopefully, some of those big brown bottles of fancy Peroni.

He wasn’t particularly looking forward to the party. A whole street of people sat nervously at pasting tables eating nibbles, drinking from plastic glasses and discussing the council tax rise. The bunting was already up in the street, there was no turning back for any of them now. 

The bunting. Was it ironic? It was difficult to tell. Apart from the odd retired couple, it was quite a young bunch on their road. Even in Caversham it was difficult to imagine that many people being staunch royalists. Still, it’s like Verity says, “it’s just a nice excuse for a party. Especially after the last two years we’ve all had. And it’s for the kids more than anything.”

He might not have been overly excited about the event, but if he could get sat next to Marcus from number 33, they could have a bit of a laugh. Marcus was a good bloke. It was Marcus that turned Martin on to the big brown bottles of fancy Peroni. ‘Gran Riserva’, they’re called.

That reminded him… Beers. Martin sauntered over the drinks aisle, straight to the premium European lagers. They had the ones he wanted. Result. He greedily grabbed the last eight 500ml bottles of Gran Riserva and filled his basket up with them.

“Ready?” asked Verity, her trolley full to the brim. “Yep.” Martin gestured to his basket and smiled that thin, weak smile of his again as Verity craned her neck to look at which queue to join.

They got into the second line, behind the old lady. She’d gone for the ‘pâté de Campagne’ in the end. Martin made a mental note to Google it when he got back. Whatever it was, it looked like it had all bits of something or other in.

The two of them began unloading their shopping onto the small conveyor belt. Verity arranged it all, gathering cupboard items together, fridge items together, and so on. Meanwhile Martin looked for carrier bags. “There are never any bloody carrier bags here anymo-”

“Martin…?” Verity peered over her shoulder at her bagless husband who had left the Bags for Life in the car. 


Meanwhile, in the bread aisle, Marcus from number 33 picked up a packet of six Crosta & Mollica organic wholeblend Emiliana Piadina flatbreads and stared at them blankly.

Buy a ‘Special’ Shit Things in Reading (Charity) T-Shirt FOR SOME REASON!

Like the four stale poppadoms in a greasy brown paper bag in with the rest of your order from Bina, nobody asked for them, but they’re here anyway. Unlike the four stale poppadoms in a greasy brown paper bag in with the rest of your order from Bina, these EXCLUSIVE new Shit Things in Reading t-shirts only very faintly smell of jalfrezi.

What’s all this then?

Merch. The fine LOCAL people at CheapPop! Designs have come up with some dapper ‘ding designs for you all to enjoy/ignore. Now they’re up on their online store… We’re talking t-shirts, hoodies, tote bags and stickers. AVAILABLE FOR YOU TO BUY NOW.

Why would I want to buy any of that crap?!

It’s a fair question. Well, they look alright. And they’ve not just got ‘Shit Things in Reading’ written on them. I’m not daft enough to think anyone’d want one of those (well, more than about 3 or 4 weirdos, anyway). These buggers have got, like, stuff to do with Reading on them and that. Funny stuff, yeah?

Fine, let’s have a proper look, then – but make it quick


Do you see? Like the I ❤ NYC thing, get it?

It says: ‘I went to The 613 Club and all I got was this lousy t-shirt (and an inescapable sense that I let myself down).’ You probably shouldn’t buy this one, TBF.

‘Loyal Royals’ can celebrate The Reading Football Club being alive since 1817 and their new stadium name here with this imaginatively-designed and entirely factually accurate (if not 100% official) club shirt!

We’ve saved the best ’til last. This is the one you should actually buy, I have one and it’s slick AF, bro.

I probably won’t buy one… still, HOW MUCH?

The t-shirts are £18. Same for the tote bag thing. That’s the cheapest we could do them for, HONEST.


I know, I know. What do you expect, though? They’re unique designs and they’re all printed to spec and order. I don’t just have a bin bag of them knocking about my loft. 18 notes is alright for a black Nice ‘n’ Fresh shirt… c’mon, you’d wear that FFS.

There’s a hoodie on there too, but you don’t want to know how much that is (it’s 35 quid).

I’m not paying that…

Yeah, nor would I, probably. Still, there are STICKERS too. Stickers for skinflints… Three quid each.

Three pound stiiiiicker. Very, very niiiice! One pound, two pound, three pound niiiiice!

Where are they coming from? Bloody CHINA?!

It’s all made here in good ol’ fashioned United Britain. None of that foreign muck. #Brexit

Alright, what about postage and that?

It’s normally four quid a pop, I think. But it’s FREE DELIVERY the weekend of the 4th/5th of September (that’s this weekend). Starting Friday 3rd and ending Midnight on Sunday.

What this about ‘charity’?

The manufacturers take most of the cash, but half the profits will go to a local as yet undecided charity (the other half go to the t-shirt lads for making the effort).

What charity? I dunno, something worthwhile, not hedgehogs or anything. Plus I’ll top it up and chuck an extra two quid in for every shirt or tote bag bought. I can’t say fairer than that. Just drop me a message once you’ve bought something and I’ll keep a running tab.

Jesus, I’m surprised I got this far down – anything else?

Thank you for your patience. We’re nearly done now. Just some links left. Cheers.



Caversham(e) Lakes: Private Island Experience in the Costa Del Slough

By Joan Q. Rowing-Boat

If you haven’t heard of Caversham Lakes, you might be mistaken in thinking that it’s an upscale retirement home in the heart of Reading’s notoriously nouveau riche northern neighbourhood. It is not, however, Berkshire’s poncier section of God’s waiting room but an aqua park full of fun for all the family. With SUP (stand-up paddle) boarding, open water swimming, a beach bar, family beach and now additional lakeside campsite – it’s a great requisition of old space.

As something of a regular at the lakes, I was rather eager to hear about their new “Private Island Experience”. Boasting a child-free zone, sun loungers with stunning views, food and drinks delivered directly to your seat and other threats of hedonistic luxury – £50 for a VIP experience felt like a bit of a good deal. So, naturally, I indulged. It was my birthday, after all.

There’s something a little bit ‘keys in a bowl’ about this signage, isn’t there…?

Along with two friends, we booked our tickets and set about preparing for a day of lounging by the lakes, enjoying the absence of snot-ridden ankle biters and indulging in the best luxury that Caversham Lakes could offer – namely pizza and sunloungers. 

Our bookings got off to a bit of a bumpy start. The day before our planned day in the sun, I received a phone call to say that the private island was going to remain closed because of poor weather, and would the party wish to re-book? However they did not ring the other guests attached to the booking. Meaning that I – who had just walked into a care home two hours up the road – was now manically trying to contact guests 2, 3, and 4 to coordinate whilst spoon feeding soggy biscuits to my terminally ill mother. Naturally, once everyone had agreed to rearrange, Caversham Lakes were impossible to contact.

All four tickets were eventually re-booked, but the new booking didn’t mention the date. Given the runaround that we’d had all day already trying to get SOMEONE to call us and confirm whether it was actually cancelled, and the customer rep telling the other guests she hadn’t said the island was closed at all, all four guests were now a bit over it all.

It wasn’t confirmed until a phone call to one of the party at half past ten that night to say that we had been rebooked, but if we still wanted to show up the following morning we could. All a bit of a saga for a simple confirmation of the new date.

Undeterred, guests 1,2, and 3 were still ready and raring to go. Guest 4 couldn’t attend because they were now double booked for a COVID jab. Little known to us, Guest 4 was going to have a much better day.

Still, nice that the site’s concrete posts get their own private changing rooms.

So Private Island Experience attempt number two rolls around, and it only went downhill from there. To compare and contrast The Expectation Vs. The Reality, I will break down the day as advertised with the day in actuality. I think it’s the only way that I can actually formulate an explanation that comes close to the flagrant abuse of false advertising…

Our private island will give you the ultimate luxury experience from start to finish. As you arrive at the lake you will be guided to our designated priority parking, exclusive to our private island guests.” 

By guided they mean that some jauntily-placed boards will send you in the vague direction of reserved spaces. However there’s no way of checking if guests parked here are private island guests. Still, if you get there early enough then you can nab a spot and not have to hoof it through the free car park like the other peasants. Or like me – when the staff are using all the reserved spaces to unload stock.

“Bypass the queues at reception and proceed to the private island check-in desk where you will be greeted by one of our hosts.” 

There was no private island check-in desk. I had to queue at reception where I was told “Just walk down, they’ll be with you soon”.

“Once you cross the bridge onto the island you will receive a complimentary beverage to enjoy on your walk to find the most amazing views.” 

Yeah. Not so much.

Arriving at the bridge, there’s no one there to check that you’re a VIP. Anyone can walk in and out as they please, and there was no complimentary drink waiting for you to sip as you ambled down to the private beach. The only greeting was the grumbling of a generator as it happily belched away. Worse still was the walk itself. Large patches of an old astroturf pitch complete with pitch markings hide all manner of bumpy sins on the walkway. It’s a mobility nightmare, and hinted at the slapdash attempt at creating an adequate venue with minimal expense and maximum haste. Had we needed to find the right spot for a free kick, however, there were plenty of options for that.


As for the complimentary beverage, I had been sitting on my sun lounger for 40 minutes before anyone noticed I had even arrived. Which either means they weren’t paying attention or I have a potential career as a spy ahead of me. It wasn’t until 20 minutes after the second party member arrived that anyone thought to check in with us. We were both presented with a ‘glass’ of prosecco in a plastic flute and an apology for the delay, and the promise that we would be checked on regularly throughout the day in case there was anything we wanted.

Unfortunately neither of us drink alcohol, and at no point had we been asked if we wanted an alternative refreshment as was advertised. That was fine though, because the moment there was a gust of wind the plastic flutes took off in the wind and solved the prosecco problem for us. Thanks, Mother Nature. 

You will have a reserved sun lounger for the day and use of a private beach and swim area.” 

Nothing was reserved. With the large volume of ‘exclusive’ sun-loungers to choose from, it wasn’t so much of an issue. Finding a lounger that didn’t boast a healthy decoration of goose shit, however… Not so much fun. I’d be interested to know what Caversham Lakes define as their ‘exclusive’ capacity, because the only thing stopping people from booking is apparently the cost. The loungers themselves are nice enough, though it felt a bit of a stretch to define the white plastic tables between the loungers as luxurious.

As for the private swim area – a small portion of the lake was marked off with buoys, but throughout the day SUP boarders were regularly cutting through the space. And whilst the joy of watching them get their boards tangled provided some much needed schadenfreude, it was a little bit annoying to think we’d paid so much to still be sharing a majority of the space with regular punters. There was minimal effort to keep the space to VIPs only, and the space itself wasn’t exactly extensive.

Lie back, relax and imagine you’re a runner for BBC One’s Total Wipeout enjoying a lunch break.

“With our island team of staff at your disposal”

The staff that we dealt with on the day were all very kind. Genuinely. However not a single one of them had a clue what was going on. Any question asked was met with blank stares, confusion, or mixed messages. I have a sneaking suspicion that no one had been briefed on the experience being advertised, and they were most definitely not at our disposal. When asked if lake vouchers could be used to purchase food and drinks it took twenty minutes for someone to scrounge up an answer.

“Whether you want food or drinks from one of our concessions just order by scanning our QR codes straight from your sun lounger – our team will have it all ready for you so you can sit back and relax.” 

Upon arrival it became alarmingly obvious that there were no QR codes. After the 40 minute wait for anyone to notice that we had arrived, we were told “we’ve not had time to put the QR codes out on all the chairs yet, but there are some up by the bar”. The bar that we’ve paid not to have to walk to. Wonderful. We were told that they’d bring a menu soon, and would walk around the guests throughout the day to check in and make sure we didn’t want to order more drinks or food. This did not happen. Worse still, it later turned out that the QR codes didn’t work anyway, so we always would have had to have gone to the bar to order. Fine for some, but as a disabled individual one of the BIG swings for my booking was knowing I wouldn’t have to hobble across the lawn to go back and forth to the bar. In the end I made the trip once, and then refused to spend any more money.

“Treat yourself to a bit of paradise on our very own private island. This is a truly exclusive area in the Thames Valley with a south facing beach and views of Jurassic Island and unspoilt natural habitat.” – stunning views of the lake, fantastic views of the industrial cranes of Reading.

The island did boast a private inflatable for guest use, however upon arrival it was so caked in goose shit that it took a staff member close to two hours to clean. Whilst this provided some much needed entertainment for the morning, it meant that you couldn’t utilise the swim area until early afternoon meaning no swimming until an hour after eating lunch. The private beach was also coated in a healthy amount of duck detritus, and unlike the swimming lakes there wasn’t a gentle incline for getting in and out of the lake. It’s a lake, you can expect a bit of poo. But when it made up the majority of the ‘luxury’ beach sand, it was a wee bit of a piss take.

This is an arty capture of the goose excreta issue. The reality is a fair bit more excrete-y.

Better still – there was no lifeguard on duty on the island which led to a bit of staff panic when they realised that guests were swimming unsupervised. A staff member was rushed down to the island to supervise, but after a brief discussion they revealed that they were not a trained lifeguard. If anything had happened they would radio it into the lifeguard at the other end of the lakes and wait for them to arrive. Fantastic. Good thing I’m a strong swimmer.

Oh, and did I mention the toilets – or lack thereof? Naturally the VIP experience comes complete with… two Portaloos. Because nothing says luxury like battling with a swimsuit in the confines of a plastic sewage-filled oven on a hot summer’s day. 

The ‘VIP’ stands for ‘Very Informal Poo’.

They had artfully placed some trellis and fake flowers on the floor next to them in an attempt to add some class, however they hadn’t actually installed them: there were just lazily resting to the side like some afterthought. There were no options for disabled toilet users either. In fact there was very little consideration for disabled guests in general.

Here’s a tl;dr of all that is advertised for the day:

  • Adults only area (18 years & over) – this was true apart from the staff. They were all very young.
  • Limited availability for an exclusive experience – not so true. It’s a venue big enough for outdoor events. By limited it means ‘limited for anyone who’s stupid enough to pay £50 to sit on a sun lounger’
  • Priority parking. ‘A few spaces near the entrance’
  • Express check in to skip the queues. – non existent.
  • Glass of Prosecco or refreshment on arrival. – it’s prosecco. You have no other choice. And it’s not on arrival. It’s when they bloody well think you’ve earned it.
  • Reserved sun lounger all day. – pick a sunlounger, any sunlounger. Try to get one without free bird shit.
  • Access to private beach & swim area. -paddle boarders will still cut through your private swim area. We can’t stop them.
  • Private inflatables to enjoy in the water. – Caked in shit, not very exiting.
  • Discounted stand up paddle boarding. – we already spent £50, we weren’t spending more.
  • Private Island Bar. – Henry did very well at telling the people who weren’t VIP’s that this was a VIP bar. Getting them to leave, however, was a bit trickier.
  • Table service from your sun lounger. – walk to the bar like the peasant you are.
  • South facing island & unbeatable views. To be fair, Reading skyline aside, it was a nice view. 
Here’s the generator that generates all the atmosphere. It is broken.

Had we received all of the above as advertised – it would have been a good day. Staff were kind (when you could find them), but given the reality of the day (and the fact that we all left feeling miserable at 3) I would have felt disappointed to have spent anything over £15 for the day that I received. The only plus side was the lack of children, but I could have just filled a paddling pool in my back garden for half the price and twice the luxury.

I wouldn’t recommend wasting your money until Caversham Lakes put in some serious work and ensure that they’re able to offer what they’re advertising.

[For reference 2 of the 3 guests have requested and received refunds from Caversham Lakes. The third guest was left too depressed and despondent by the whole situation, and would rather eat glass than have to deal with the customer service rep in charge of the island again.]

The Shit Things in Reading Euro 2021 Sweepstake Kit! 💩 ⚽

Euro 202̶0̶ 21 is here. That’s exciting, isn’t it? At least it is if you like football. And you should like football because it’s very good. Not only is it (sometimes) exciting, it’s (occasionally) amusing and (often) a reason to shout unreasonably loud swearwords at the television in full earshot of your family.

Maybe you’re one of those weird people with stupid tastes who doesn’t like football. Perhaps you – wrongly – prefer rugby. You may even be a woman (some people are). Yet like it or not, you’ll be hearing all about the European Championships over the next month. So why not embrace the fun and organise a sweepstake for it?

Think of it like Eurovision. Except it goes on for four weeks, isn’t nearly as fun and any homosexuals taking part are so far in the closet they could have played for Narnia had they not been called up here.

With this special COPYRIGHTED Shit Things in Reading sweepstake you can have fun even if you don’t know what football is. Just print off the following list, cut out the countries and distribute randomly amongst you and 23 others. Throw a small amount of money in to make it fun! Throw a really big amount of money in to make it even more fun!!

To truly get into the tournament, why not go the extra mile and really get behind your adopted country, eh? To help you do just that, here’s the sweepstake, along with some STiR tips on how to honour your new nation in the town you call home (Reading)…

Drawn Italy, eh? We suggest you buy a Vespa and a pizza slicer from Facebook Marketplace and ride about the IDR crying about your mother and trying to slice pedestrians’ buttocks. Then drink four of those big bottles of Birra Moretti, ride up to Caversham on your daft new moped and have a Puttanesca pizza from Papa Gee’s. Make sure to wear an electric blue Puffa jacket and gesticulate with genuine emotion at traffic.

I mean you could eat a load of chocolate or melt and slurp a full wheel of Dairylea or something, but unless you’ve got some Nazi gold to fence, the best way to inhabit the Swiss psyche is just to be neutral. Form no opinions, side with no one over anything and refuse to put your car in gear when attempting to drive up Alpine Street.

The Ottoman empire’s been gone a century now, so you don’t need to worry about buying an expensive ottoman from that poncy Beadle Crome place opposite the Pentahotel on the Occy Road. It’s called ‘Turkey’ now (like the bird!). Embrace your sweepstake nation with a large Grade 1 skin fade from one of six Turkish barbers on the Caversham Road and enjoy a large doner from Marmaris Kebab.

Bad luck, you’ve drawn the Welsh. It’s cheese on toast and a drive down the M4 for you. Maybe see if they’ve got a Gavin & Stacey DVD box set in Cash Converters. Turn the telly up when the Go Compare ad comes on. Sing loudly. Be obnoxiously pissed in a quiet pub during a Six Nations match. That sort of thing.

Excellent, you’ve hit a BOOZE NATION. Get yourself down The Nag’s. Bottles of Delirium, Leffe, La Chouffe and Rochefort 10. See how many you can drink before passing out. Of course, that’s not how the Belgians drink their beer, they just sip tiny little glasses of it. But sod that. You’ll be alright, just scoff down a few waffles when you get home. Yeah, of course Birds Eye Potato Waffles will do. Piss artists can’t be choosers, dear.

This one’s easy. You’ve drawn Denmark. Celebrate your adoptive nation’s history and traditions by nailing a crate of Carlsberg at Legoland (even though it is in Windsor).

… Moomins cosplay?

Get into the Siberian spirit by downing a few white Russians down Milk and then annexing Hampshire.

Oooooh… bad luck. You’ve picked Austria. It’s Fritzl or Hitler, isn’t it? Actually, no – scrap that. Just watch The Sound of Music. Try not to lock a family member in a cellar for years or invade Europe.

There are lots of delicious ways to celebrate Holland: throw some Edam, tip a few pints of Amstel down a drain, smoke a tulip. Be imaginative, they’re a ridiculous nation, after all.

“When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer… Eric Bristow’s only 27.” Maybe go see if they have Oliver Stone’s Alexander on Blu-Ray to rent from Reading Library.

Find out which of your friends, family or colleagues drew Russia. Go hang out around with them until they steal your shoes and BATTER you.

Croatia, eh? Get yourself down to Sewmaster on West Street, pick up a new Singer and some red gingham fabric and make yourself a nice tight checked catsuit.

YEAH! You’ve selected a BOOZE NATION. March on down the Oxford Road and step into the first of the many Eastern European ‘skleps’. Buy all of the tins of Staropramen, Budvar and Pilsner Urquell on offer. Repeat until you’ve been into every sklep. Maybe take some bin bags. Be sure to ‘Czech’ the receipts! Ho ho!

Congratulations! You’ve picked out the only PROPER country here. You’ll definitely win, so start celebrating now by nailing a load of Bombardier down the Monk’s and then chucking their outside seating about Friar Street! VINDALOO!

You’ve pulled Scotland. Ach. The Scotch don’t stand much chance of winning the Euros, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun embracing the culture and cheering on ‘The Tart and Army’ over their three group game defeats. You can get those Russ Abbott ginger wig ‘n’ tam o’shanters off Amazon for like three quid. Not sure if the Turtle still sell Tennent’s, but most offies sell Buckfast. Get a bottle and head up by the old Central Swimming Pool. Ten quid’s worth of brown should do you a night. Stumble up to the Murco and grab a Scottish egg and a tin of Irn-Bru and you’re well away. After all, mony a mickle maks a muckle, ya wee boabie!

Trips to Piwnica (ask for the ‘tomahawk’ raspberry vodka and tabasco shot) and The White Eagle (ask for the ‘Ciechan Pszeniczne‘ beer – well, try asking for it and then give up and point at it) should get you in the mood. Or just very, very pissed. Either way.

Find out who drew the Czech Republic, get into a relationship with them and very amicably split up.

With Picasso’s – and even La Tasca – now closed down, you may have to make do with sitting at home with some cubed potatoes and ketchup. Maybe team them with a few cans of Sammy Gell or Es Stella. Unless you want to hang around the RBH. There are loads of sexy young Spanish nurses and doctors and that working there now. I don’t mind going to the hospital nowadays. What with all the sexy young Spanish nurses and doctors and that working there now.

What better way to immerse yourself in Swedish culture than by getting stuck in traffic getting in and/or out of IKEA. Don’t pronounce it ‘Eye-Kia’, though. Say it the annoying bloody Scando way, “Ick-ia”. Daft Swedes, saying their own bloody words wrong! Still, you can’t argue with ’em. They are all 60 times better looking than us.

You’ve picked former superpowers of European football and genocide, Germany! They’re not as good at either anymore, so don’t expect to win. If you want to get into the Germanic spirit, why not treat yourself to a few Paulaners down Bierhaus. Have six or seven and then storm into Piwnica, run up a huge tab and refuse to pay. Do the accent and you might get away with it. Wunderbar!

Slap a man in Patisserie Valerie and blow Gitanes smoke in a child’s face while muttering ‘pourquoi?’ Then drown yourself in the Kennet.

Hungary, eh? Er, why not pop down to Geo Cafe, see if they have any, er, goulash? I know that place is Georgian, but Georgia and Hungary are probably near each other, aren’t they? I dunno. Puskás? I’m running out of steam here a bit.

Portugal, eh? Look, the Maddy thing mostly wasn’t their fault. We need to let that go. Tap into the Portuguese energy with a visit to O Português, where Bart’s Grill used to be on the Woky Road. Then stand to the left of whoever drew Spain and rattle on about sardines a bit.

There you go, that’s that. Wasn’t too painful, was it? #CONTENT

The STiR Colouring Book is OUT NOW!

Yeah, that’s right – a bloody colouring book. I’ve been going on about it enough. Well, now it’s here. And even YOU can buy it!

It is here. I’ve got a load at home. Well, I’ve got some. Not quite enough. I’ll explain later.


What’s all this, then?

It’s a book. Well, it’s a colouring book. Yeah, they’re for kids. But apparently they’re also for adults now. I dunno. This one’s a colouring-in book featuring things in Reading from your boy Shit Things in Reading where you colour in pictures of things in Reading. It really is that simple. And, before you start, all the profits go to charity and – no – it doesn’t come with free pens or pencils.

I copy and pasted that last paragraph. It’s printed on the back of the book. The eagle-eyed amongst you might spot it in a minute.

Hang on… ‘charity’? What, really?!

That’s right, buster. All the profits go to a local charity. And not one fraudulently set up by me very recently, either. An actual real one. They’re called Younger People with Dementia and they’re a Berkshire mob who help, you guessed it, younger people with dementia. They do loads of great stuff, have a look on their website if you like, it’s your life.

Younger People With Dementia | Helping Younger People with Dementia and  their Carers

Because ALL of the cash goes to this lot, you have to buy one or more copies of this bloody book. In fact, if you don’t buy one (or more) and help support this worthy local cause, you should be ashamed of yourself. Deeply, deeply ashamed of yourself.

Shame on you. SHAME ON YOU.

If you do buy one (or more), well, cheers. You’re alright, you. I don’t care what everyone else says about you. You’re alright.

See? I told you it was on the back of the book.

Let’s have a look at it, then!

No. Sod off. There are only 39 pages, let’s not ruin the surprise, eh? Suffice to say that the book is stuffed full of local favourites that Reading types will know and ‘fans’ of Shit Things in Reading will recognise from years and years of exhausting and repetitive #content.

Here’s a little preview to whet (yes, that is how you spell it…) your appetite:

Alright, FINE. I’ll bloody well buy one (or more)

Cushty. You know it makes sense, Rod. There are a couple of ways of getting your mitts on a book (or books):

Buy ’em from me direct. Drop me a message on any of the socials, tell me how many you want and where to send them and I’ll give you my PayPal. You bang me a tenner (£8 + £2 P&P) per copy and I post it/them. Downside – you have to talk to me. Also, there WILL be a bit of a delay in me sending them because I am a VERY busy and important man. And also I didn’t get enough printed up to handle the modest, but still quite unexpected demand. So you might have to wait a week. Upside – I might write you a special unique message inside. OOOOOOOH.

Go to the shops like people did in the olden days. Nip into But Is It Art? in town or the Caversham Emporium and pick up a copy from them. They’ll be fairly limited supplies, but by Friday, the Emporium will be stocked up and BIIA? should have a box by the end of the weekend. They’re a tenner a pop from them, cash only. Why a tenner? There’s a 20% mind your own business tax, that’s why.

Failing that, you can buy it from Bezos. It’s £7.99 + P&P (bugger all postage if you’ve got Amazon Prime). Feel free to do this is you don’t want to talk to me (understandable) or give me your address (even more understandable). You’ll get it a Helluva lot quicker than waiting for me to send it to you, but Amazon do take a sizeable cut of the money, so you’re effectively halving your donation. Up to you, mate. It really is your life.

Is that it?

Nearly. Once you’ve bought the thing, feel free to shout about it on social media, tag us into a post or photo and leave us a FIVE STAR review on the Amazons. Even if you didn’t buy it that way. Apparently that’s allowed, I checked and everything.

Like the illustrations? Well, you should. They’re by local penswoman genius Rowan Ash. Buy her other books, yeah?

PLEASE NOTE – There really are NO FREE PENS OR PENCILS and there are definitely NO REFUNDS.

PPS Listen to the bloody Shit Things podcast FFS. Mange tout.

The World’s Second Hottest Chilli + 1 Pint of Milk = Explosive Diarrhoea: An Unnecessary Anecdote

I’m telling you this because I remembered it last night and it’s not like I can bore my mates with it (again) down the pub, is it? So you’re copping it. Bad luck.

A few years ago, I ate an entire dried Trinidad Scorpion pepper at a BBQ off the Occy Road. I wasn’t even pissed, I just like showing off and thought it’d be a laugh (it was not a laugh).

These things are the second hottest chillies in the world at 2 million Scoville heat units. Apparently, that’s the same kick as 400 jalapeños or 10 Scotch bonnets. For those of you reading this in Whitley, that’s around half the potency of pepper spray.

Trinidad BASTARDS, more like.

I forget the exact ‘rules’ of the challenge, but it was something like ‘chew the bloody thing for 30 seconds, wait five minutes, then down a pint of milk’. So I did (because I’m hard and cool). And it was fine. For a bit. I mean, it was fuuuuuuucking hot, but you kind of expect that. It wasn’t pleasant tasting, but it was manageable. Mostly because my brain had kicked me into a trance-like state to help me cope. Feelings of euphoria washed over me as I disassociated and started trying to eat leaves off a nearby hedge and dreaming of a skip full of Soleros.

Post milk my mind settled a bit. I could talk again. Blimey, I’d eaten an entire Trinidad Bastard and gotten away with it. I was, presumably, the new hero of the two dozen people who’d witnessed and congratulated me in what was clearly my finest hour. What a man.

Now all that was left to do was double up in unbearable agony and spend the next twelve hours shitting explosive lava out of my arse while worrying that I’d inflicted permanent and irreparable damage to my digestive system.

The diarrhoea wasn’t optional and time was very much of the essence. The issue was that our host’s was a small-ish terraced house and there were loads of bloody people there. What my guts had planned wasn’t going to be conducive to a party with a happy atmosphere. But this needed out. My house at the time was too far away and I could’t risk a cab. It’s £50 cleaning fee in those things, y’know.

I had to go to a pub. It was either that or foul the car park of the Castle Street Vets and not even ill old Labradors do that FFS.

The Horse & Jockey (as it was then) was the nearest pub I could use. So I made a dart for it.

Trinidad Scorpion
Remember this place? Great, it was. It let me down here, but I forgave it. #RIPAitchAndJay

Jesus Christ, this was going to be close. I got there, still feeling a bit like I was sedated and very much like my arse was seconds away from going Full Vesuvius. I pushed the door. The fucker was closed. CLOSED! What kind of pub is closed at 5pm on a Saturday afternoon?! Well, the answer is ‘the kind of pub that’s just about to shut down’.

I was running out of time, shite-wise. It was getting like that film Speed, except instead of a bus, I was on foot. And Sandra Bullock wasn’t there. But there was a bomb.

Momentum was key, I couldn’t afford to stop and think. I had to push on before the intestinal pressure became too much to bear. I carried on running (well, cry-jogging while holding my backside). The Sun was now my only hope.

Trinidad Scorpion
The Sun Inn on Castle Street. I’ll be forever in their debt.

The Sun… was OPEN. I was able to evacuate in peace/agony. There was, of course, no toilet paper. So I had to use my trainer socks. Us English are nothing if not resourceful, Eddie.

I then had CRIPPLING stomach pains all day and all night and seriously considered calling a doctor. Don’t do it, kids. Don’t eat an entire chilli pepper that measures 2,000,000 on the Scoville Scale at a BBQ. Just have a burger or some potato salad or something instead.

This image should help paint a picture of my epic journey…

Trinidad Scorpion
A long way, given the circumstances.

Cheers for reading. Sorry it’s come to this. 💩 #content

Regurgitating Edible Reading

I used to follow the blogs and Twitter account of self-proclaimed ‘Reading’s Only Restaurant Blogger’ Edible Reading and genuinely used to find their recommendations useful. Whilst I found the writing style a little grating, I know that one has to be a bit of a smug, egotistic prat in order to set up such a public blog. I know this because I am the girlfriend of Shit Things in Reading (yes, yes, he has a girlfriend…). 

I had to unfollow the ER Twitter some time ago, as the mere glance of the opening lines of any of his more recent epic blogs or hugely earnest political tweets was enough to send me into an uncontrollable fit of anger. That is quite clearly personal preference and, indeed, there does seem to be a good following who enjoy his reviews and opinions.  Yesterday I read his most recent post ‘2020: The Year in Review’ and have been driven to rage to the extent where I feel I have had to put something in writing. 

I know what it is like to have a partner who runs a reasonably successful local social media account (12,279 followers on Facebook to Edible Reading’s 4,414 on Twitter *eyes emoji*). Shit Things in Reading can be a controversial account; however it is quite clear to those with a sense of humour that the author thinks highly of his adopted home town. Some of the posts I see cross a line where I feel the need to ask him to take it down. I feel that if I was the partner of Edible Reading, this would be one of those posts – at least a part of it.

This latest post sees ER use over 1,224 words to criticise a review from a local reporter and another local food blogger. It’s snide, it’s snobbish and it’s bullying. As a fair few people have pointed out online already. Presumably ER thinks that Hugh Fort is fair game as he writes for a local newspaper, one that ER clearly has a problem with, but should a person be open to insults for doing his job…? Hugh’s a busy local journo, he’s not Giles Coren.

For someone that clearly aligns themselves with liberal views – we know this as ER uses the platform of his restaurant review Twitter account to go on near-constant political diatribes – the often quite hateful, bitter tone of his more recent output doesn’t really chime with these values. 

I could go on about the clear sneering attitude ER has towards working class people and how this is also in direct contradiction with his obvious desire to present himself as a progressive, middle class, woke liberal, but I run the risk of this stream of consciousness rant reaching never-ending ER-rivalling proportions.

I appreciate that some may find my calling ER out for being unkind to others pretty hypocritical when STiR’s main bread and butter is ripping into anything that comes across his path (particularly another unfortunate local ‘journalist’). I think the issue I have with ER is that they’re positioning themselves from what they see as a morally superior position of a serious food writer.

The fact that so many of Reading’s independent businesses are starting to speak up about ER’s attitude and unpleasantness should really be enough to make the blogger stop and wonder whether they really are a bastion of local independent eateries or whether they are in fact, to paraphrase STiR, just being a bit of a cunt.

– Annoyed of West Reading

‘100% Reading’: Track-by-Track Reviews of a 2008 Compilation CD of Local Bands – PART 2

Oh, hi. You’re back. Nice to see you again. Well, nice to see some of you back, at least.

In Part 1 of our track-by-track review of the 2008 2-CD compilation album ‘100% Reading’, we took you through the first 19 tracks from local bands off of the olden days.

Here, in Part 2, we give to you our thoughts on the other half. Which makes sense, doesn’t it?

One Hundred Percent Reading

Ably assisting Uncle STiR this time are this crack team of co-reviewers:

  • Caversham gent and marrow worrier Stewart Harding
  • Mr. Reading Music Man himself Damian A. Passmore
  • Swineshead & Napoleon, the likely lads from the I Like It! podcast
  • He’s from Norfolk, but don’t hold that against him – Jimmy Young
  • He’s from London, do hold that against him – Jon ‘Horse’ Horsley
  • Esteemed Thug Bible columnist Pat McDevitt
  • She found the CD, so blame her for all of this – Texas M. A. Smith

Where I could find a video, I’ve embedded it. Where there’s no YouTube clip, you’ll just have to imagine what the song sounds like.

One Hundred Percent Reading


1. Headlove – Too Bad
I feel a mildly desperate earnestness here. It feels full of an undercurrent of questions. Why aren’t they already supporting the Red Hot Chilli Peppers on a worldwide tour? Like, seriously, why? They got their cow bell to tappity tap on; where, oh, where are the goddamn groupies? And when the fuck can they pack in their shitty jobs at DFS? Fucking angry about it. Listening to  all that useless pop crap that makes it up the charts. It makes no fucking sense. And there. That is what we learn from this song. Life is shit and you’re never going to make it. So why are you bothering at all…? (Tex Smith)

Rating: 42% Reading – A bit too bad.

2. Feud – Spilt Milk

Fuzzed-up guitars was definitely the thing back then in 2008, along with a snarly, snarky type of vocal. There’s great drumming on this track, though – the rhythm section is tight and belts along like an enraged rhinoceros. The song is a reminder of how angry and nasty fucked-up young people can be. Again, I’m not sure what the problem is but I definitely detect some dissatisfaction with the way life is panning out for these guys. It’s not bad for its type but I’d have enjoyed it more if it didn’t feel quite as much like getting punched repeatedly in the face. (Stewart Harding)

Rating: 50% Reading – There’s no use doing anything over Spilt Milk.

3. Boydidgood – You, Me and the Other Three

What is authentic? Jean-Paul Sartre thought jazz was authentic because it was African-American and not western culture, which was saw as mainly inauthentic. But then Theodor Adorno loathed jazz and thought it inauthentic because it was only concerned with appearance.

Jazz aside, Martin Heidigger came to think that technology made things inauthentic.

There’s no getting around the fact that on this song, Boydidgood sound like another band who were extremely popular at the time. That doesn’t stop me enjoying it and I’m certain if Heidigger went to the Dublin Castle and heard them playing it (acoustically) he’d like it too. Sartre and Adorno? Who knows? Who knows? (Jon Horsley)

Rating: 62% Reading – These chilly primates probably looked good on the dancefloor n 2008.

4. The Bandinis – Japanese Radio
Jangly jangly jangly, bangity bangity. You know the intro, yeah? These guys have not been on Japanese radio. They haven’t been to Japan. The song aches of escaping Reading to a mysterious place such as Japan, though. Maybe they’ve walked past Sushimania on the way back from the Hexagon a few times and thought, ‘oh yeah, we really should go there, but Bryan said it wasn’t great and Kate said the service was a pain… Looks like a bargain though?’ Mate. It’s not going to happen. Yo Sushi do those cheap Blue Monday deals. You’ll end up there again. It’s nice and central, after all. (Tex)

Rating: 77% Reading – Not quite Radio Ga Ga, not quite plasterer’s radio.

5. The Colours – Sinking Ships
Twinkly pianos. Fuzzy guitars. Lots of cymbals crashing. Harmonies. This song has all of these and more. It’s all very late-00s – a little bit Killers, a little bit Razorlight, the whole “singing in your own accent” thing that was popular for a while. There’s even a bit that feels musically similar to that Bond theme Chris Cornell did. The lyrics might be about a break up or possibly staying together – I kinda lost track in the “best of 2008” musical soundscape, but there’s something about Sinking Ships not dragging them down. Or apart. Or something. But it’s fun enough to enjoy. (Damien Passmore)

Rating: 82% Reading – Like a slightly better Keane (the band, not the psychopathic midfielder).

One Hundred Percent Reading

6. DissolvedIn – Egocentric

Unfortunately, this sounds a bit like Lostprophets which makes everyone feel a bit queasy these days. It’s not DissolvedIn’s fault but they’ve also conjoined two words in their name the way that Ian Watkins’ band did (not the Steps Ian Watkins – Lostprophets’ Ian Watkins). As a result, too many icky memories here.

VERDICT: Sorry, but we don’t like it. (I Like It! podcast – listen to it here)

Rating: 26% Reading – Lostprofits.

7. One Dollar Peep Show – Under Your Skin
This the band that Nigel from Vienna Ditto was in before Vienna Ditto. You can definitely hear his guitar in there, amongst the 60s-influenced vocal stylings and handclaps. There’s a lot going on here – it sounds a bit less 2008 and a bit more 1998, when there was still a lot more faux-60s stuff going on – but not in a distracting way. Every new synth riff, every new vocal effect, every change of pace seems perfectly in place. If this was the theme to an Austin Powers movie or the Reeves & Mortimer version of Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased) it would’ve been a MASSIVE hit. But it came a bit late for that, so it wasn’t. Listening the this, I regret never seeing this band live. (DP)

Rating: 98% Reading – High quality M&S Elastica-ted underpants.

8. Georgee – Could I Be the One?
I can’t help thinking that the title needs a question mark, as does, unfortunately, the track. It doesn’t seem to know what it wants to be – a folk song, a sentimental love song, a schmaltzy ballad? The guitar has a nice tone and there is some sympathetic drumming but the singing wavers uncertainly between styles. It’s all a bit sickly sweet for me and I can’t think what combination of recreational drugs might’ve helped me enjoy it more. Novichok maybe. No, that was unfair. Georgee was obviously very young when she recorded this and feeling her way into her own style. Good luck to her. She’s probably a retail manager or estate agent by now but not many estate agents can say they’ve got a track on a definitive compilation of Reading music. Can they? (SH)

Rating: 40% Reading – Averagee.

9. Mighty Man – Represent

“Represent” is repeated three times, seven times in a row so, doing the math (7×3=21) that makes twenty one represents before Mighty Man reveals who he’s even representing. Fortunately, he is representing RG1 so that’s all good. But making people do maths is annoying, so marks off for that. How many marks off? (6×78 – 467 = number of marks taken off. (See? I’ve made my point)).

Mighty Man is miles better at rapping than he is at cooking and his food looks okay, so it’s a fine song. Our pal Jonny Virgo from CD1 pipes up once again – still looking for his big break. If this radio version didn’t make it onto 210FM then more fool them. (JH)

Rating: 90% Reading – Mighty Man used to be everyone’s favourite bouncer at the After Dark. REPRESENT. 

10. Ed West – Dank Days

The title of this track doesn’t promise a whole lot in terms of light entertainment. And, boy, it delivers what it doesn’t promise. It’s the sort of thing that someone probably enjoyed putting together in his bedroom between savage bouts of pulling his pud. It’s crusted with post-masturbatory regret, la petite mort – the sensation of post orgasm as likened to death – that the French existentialists are always snivelling about. It’s also reminiscent of the toothache that comes with an abscess. I’d have enjoyed it more in an opioid-induced coma. I hope Ed West has cheered up a bit. (SH)

Rating: 50% Reading – Wank Ways.

One Hundred Percent Reading

11. Somebody’s Mind – Going Down in Fear
You gotta love a song that commits to a long build-up. Twangy guitars, swinging hi-hats and then the reverb-heavy vocals come in. And then… wow. It changes direction and becomes something VERY different. Sparse. Angry. Dangerous. Like being in somebody’s mind when they’re going down in fear, you might say. If anything, this song seems a little ahead of its time – it’s all very Last Shadow Puppets meets Nick Cave on a windy night in, oh I don’t know, Chatham Street Car Park. It’s great. (DP)

Rating: 86% Reading – ‘Going Down in Fear: The Monica Lewinsky Story’.

12. Vivacity – Casino
Craps is a popular game at casinos. Not that that’s relevant to Vivacity’s 2.5 minute gamble house shout piece, of course. A tom-whacking, One Way or Another-style guitar intro tees us up for a passionate tribute to Reading’s ever-popular Grosvenor dice joint. Liam Gallagher adds gravitas on guest vocals. (JY)

Rating: 70% Reading – When the fun stops, stop.

13. The Vibes – Maybe
If you’re going to put the bass that high in the mix, lads, you’ve got to know what you’re doing. And I’m not sure they do. This is a little too twee, a little trying-too-hard to sound sincere, and I’m not sure the drummer got the memo on that. I don’t know if the problem is in the song-writing or the production but the elements just don’t quite work together. I guess I just didn’t get a good vibe from it. (DP)

Rating: 32% Reading – Maybe not.

14. Bidgie Reef and The Gas – Umbrellas

This is a a tuneful little number that owes more than a little to early 1970’s David Bowie. Sadly a rather weak lead vocal from none other than Roger ‘Dad of Kate’ Winslet and some hackneyed Ian Dury-style lyrics make it somewhat jarring. A decent enough effort overall, though. (Pat McDevitt)

Rating: 64% Reading – Not quite as catchy as Rihanna’s version.

15. Mr. Phlo – Ban the Bomb
Oh good, it starts with a loud police siren to ease you in. The great thing about this song is that the siren comes back during the chorus, because as a sound, well, it’s just not been used enough as has it? Musically, that is. And why not? It’s recognisable and iconic. Yeah Elton John, even you think of this.

I can only cope with catching a few words here and there but they are sort of angry about everything, but also, they’re angry from a deep sofa. Sort of like those people in Facebook comments who you think ‘OMG why are you so angry about something so innocuous?!’ They don’t even proofread what they’ve typed before submitting FFS. CAN YOU IMAGINE.

I don’t know if this band wanted you to have a headache as part of the takeaway of this song, like maybe it’s a layered emotion they are sharing, is this what future music is? If so, these guys were ahead of their time.

Though, I never quite worked out why banning the bomb (which bomb? Dammit, it was hard to concentrate) and police sirens were a good mesh. Maybe I’m just too fucking middle class and privileged. I am SORRY, alright? OMG. (Tex)

Rating: 31% Reading – Ban the song, more like.

One Hundred Percent Reading

16. The Limes – Sun
Here we go, an elephantine plod beat over which there is a breezy, playful vocal that reminds me of dropping acid at Virginia Waters having seen a string of elephants walking up Ascot High Street (for real). At last a band that sounds as though being young might be fun and being alive might contain a little sprinkling of sparkling delight and beauteous wonder. Well done The Limes. I would have enjoyed it more if I was tripped out on magic mushrooms and riding my bicycle through the woods on a sunny day. It’s nice. (SH)

Rating: 90% Reading – SubLime.

17. Inimitable Dragonfly – Don’t Follow Me
Who’d imitate a dragonfly, anyway? They’re shit. Alright, they’re better than normal flies, but they’re not a patch on actual dragons. No one imitated Inimitable Dragonfly, either. Or followed them. Listening to this, you can see why. (STiR)

Rating: 44% Reading – Just not a very good song.

18. Matt Tanner – Selma
Lee Dorsey’s Working In A Coal Mine, Steve Harley’s (Come Up and See Me) Make Me Smile Garbage’s Supervixen, The Auteurs’ Showgirl and Matt Tanner’s Selma. All of these songs utilise the much under-used song-writing technique of stopping in the middle and then carrying on. Who doesn’t love a gap? It’s fun. Liberating. And it can fool people who don’t know what’s happening, resulting in a ‘Reverse of Kings’*. If I was Selma I’d be happy to have this blissed-out instrumental groove written about me.

* In the Come And Praise classic “Sing Hosanna To The King” where someone not paying attention would always add a final “of kings” to the hymn, eliciting much laughter pre-internet. (JH)

Rating: 92% Reading – Everyone loves          a gap.

Reading CD

There you go, that’s your lot. We got there in the end, didn’t we?

‘100% Reading’: Track-by-Track Reviews of a 2008 Compilation CD of Local Bands – PART 1

Barack Obama was elected US President. An enormous global stock market crash plunged the world into a huge financial recession. Lewis Hamilton became the youngest ever Formula One World Champion. Karen Matthews was convicted of kidnapping her own nine year-old daughter and stuffing her into a divan for a bit. 2008 was a busy ol’ year.

There was still time for culture, entertainment and music, though. Lots of time, in fact. Especially here in Reading.

In 2008, a selfless man called Laurence Hoare (don’t laugh) put a load of time, effort and money into collating a 37-track double album of songs from up-and-coming musical acts local to RG1. You can read more about his efforts here in this BBC News article.

Reading CD
100% LISTENING more like, yeah

12 years on, after one dedicated STiR fan stumbled across a copy while clearing out her loft, let’s revisit the thing. You know, like when Blue Peter would dig up one of their time capsules from their back garden (is Blue Peter the only TV programme to have its own back garden…? If you can think of any others – do write in and tell us).

Anyway. That album. It was called ‘100% Reading’ and here are the sleeve notes:

One Hundred Percent Reading
‘Music of international standard’ – we’ll be the judges of that, thankyouverymuch

I figured I’d review the songs. Not just me, though. I’ve enlisted some help because there’s no way I’m reviewing 37 different songs. I’m not Stuart bleedin’ Maconie. So thanks to:

  • The surprisingly-well-dressed-for-an-old-hippy allotment pest Stew Harding
  • Local music EXPERT and general face about town Damo Passmore
  • Swineshead & Napoleon from the excellent and therapeutic I Like It! podcast
  • Jimmy Young (not the Radio 2 DJ one)
  • Tex Smith (who definitely still lives around here)
  • Mrs. STiR (that poor woman)

Here’s the track listing. See if you recognise anyone…

One Hundred Percent Reading
This reads like a who’s who of anyone who was anyone, on the Reading music scene, in 2008

Where I could find a video, I’ve embedded it. Where there’s no YouTube clip, you’ll just have to imagine what the song sounds like.

Alright, that’s more than enough preamble. Let’s have at it, eh? Here are the first 19 tracks (Part 2 to follow) – reviewed and rated for you by your much-loved STiR & Friends…

One Hundred Percent Reading


1. The Trouble with Me – Beautiful

I’ll admit it, I saw this as an opportunity to be a bit of a snide prick about some bobbins old music. I got a load of people together to help me giggle at slightly naff 12 year-old tunes. Yet when I finally came to listening to the actual music, I was surprised/slightly miffed to find that the first track on the album’s really bloody good. FFS. Melodic, catchy, well produced, this song could easily have slotted into XFM’s playlist. It’s a shame it didn’t too, only once you were on XFM’s playlist, you were never off XFM’s playlist. (Shit Things in Reading)

NB: On researching the band it looks as though both the bassist and singer have died since 2008. Which is rather upsetting. RIP lads.

Rating: 93% Reading – Great song, sad story.

2. Some Like It Hot – Here I Go

More like SUM 41 Like It Hot, amirite? This is a fairly straightforward bit of turn-of-the-century pop punk and the lyrics are awash with cliches. But it goes by very quickly and the longer you listen, the less you mind. Infectious and nostalgia inducing for the early 2000’s, even if it was recorded a few years later. (Damien Passmore)

Rating: 41% Reading – Some like it warm.

3. Junkyard Scientists – Pullin’ On My Strings

Job description inflation was alive and well in 2008. Time was when Junkyard Scientists were just called ‘those blokes that worked at the tip’. For their puppeteer’s anthem, ‘Pullin’ on my Strings’, the local outfit upcycled some funky pizzicato samples and syncopated drum beats and produced a chilled-out 3.5 minutes of passable Jay Kay/Craig David-esque nasal warballing. Is it art? Is it science? Is it junk? YOU DECIDE. (Jimmy Young)

Rating: 53% Reading – JamiroqWHY?!

4. The Skies – Lies
‘Interestingly’, The Who did a song in 1965 called ‘La La La Lies’, which I liked. The Skies, on this track, also do quite a lot of lalalaing about some lying bastards. “This world is full of liars,” they sing. Well, you can’t argue with that. It’s alright, it’s got bags of energy and a nice bashing backbeat. I can’t tell what it is exactly that’s given them the hump, though. Everything maybe. As a result they are aiming to do whatever they like and fuck everyone else. Good luck with that.

I like it, they’re having a right go about something which makes it better than sitting in a squalid bedsit sucking your fist and being all sensitive. I’d enjoy it more if I was out of my head on pills and dope. (Stewart Harding)

Rating: 79% Reading – Not half bad. No lies.

5. To the Barricades – Sunday Best

To the Barricades are not to be confused with Spandau Ballet’s final top ten hit Through the Barricades, a truly dreadful song about The Troubles in Northern Ireland. Although it’s easy to mistake them, given the similarity in the names and the fact that I’ve rather confusingly added the Spandau video above. Instead, imagine a different – and slightly better – song. One called ‘Sunday Best’ that isn’t about The Troubles in Northern Ireland. Imagined that? Great, you’ve got To the Barricades’ Sunday Best. (STiR)

Rating: 68% Reading – Not Sunday Best, but not Sunday Worst.

One Hundred Percent Reading

6. Monkey Militia – On the Tiles

Erm. It starts off with some porn grunting. It’s either going to be terrible or amazing…

IT’S AMAZING! It’s all about fucking your mum. Yes, specifically yours. They have demurely called the track ‘On The Tiles’, as that’s one of the many surfaces they had her on. And I tell ya’ what, good on your ol’ mum. She might be knocking on a bit now, but she’s a goer – kitchen counters, over tables, on the stairs. On and on it goes. I don’t want to spoil the ending for you, but it’s happy.

Best place to play this song? At your best friend’s Mum’s funeral while staring at him (or her) directly in the eye. #alphaAF (Tex Smith)

Rating: 28% Reading – VULGAR.

7. Hello Wembley – Rock ‘n’ Roll Spoon

This one takes you back to the nearly-forgotten era of landfill Indie. An interesting place to visit, but not one you’d particularly want to hang around in. Like Hunstanton, or Bath. That said, you can imagine yourself in your twenties, off your head on premium lager and bopping about to it on a dancefloor. So there’s that.

VERDICT: I would probably have liked it in 2008. (I Like It! podcast – listen to it here)

Rating: 58% Reading – Loses points for the Patrick Wolf reference.

8. The Charlie Parkers – Forever

Back in 2008, SEO wasn’t as important as it is today. And Spotify was barely out of cybernappies. Nowadays a band would be smart enough not to name themselves after another – much more famous – musical act. Trying to find ‘The Charlie Parkers’ on the internet isn’t easy. It doesn’t help they come from the town with the world’s most SEO-unfriendly name. As far as the internet is concerned, they might as well never have existed. And, I’m sorry to say, based on this song, I feel similar.

Watch the video above. The Brian Jonestown Massacre-looking fella in the middle starts off all cocky with his arm round the female presenter. Then, about 20 seconds in, realises it’s not a great look and quietly peels his arm away. Bless ‘im. Nowadays that sort of carry on would get you #cancelled quicker than a Beer52 subscription. (STiR)

Rating: 52% Reading – Problematic.

9. Grimaldi – Get Along
The band-name defyingly chirpy Bath Road-based supergroup Grim Aldi deliver a harmless slice of feel-good Americana here, with its Beach Boys-cum-Johnny Marr guitar jangles and tinny chorus vocals that wouldn’t feel out of place on the soundtrack to a high school teen Disney movie. Aldi’s centre aisle of shame? Centre aisle of FAME more like. (JY)

Rating: 53% Reading – Should’ve called themselves The Smiffs.

10. Jen-i – Slice
If I’m getting my dates right, I think Jen-i just about predates Apple sticking a small ‘i’ on all their products and, as such, she may well have grounds to sue the late Steve Jobs.

The song itself was a big surprise – a very different ‘slice’ of r&b-infused electronica, driven by a jungle-esque beat and an echoey, ethereal voice. But it’s nearly 7 minutes long and definitely meanders in places – I can’t help but think there’s a great 3 & 1/2 minute tune trapped in there somewhere. (DP)

Rating: 78% Reading – Serious Purple Turtle basement vibez.

One Hundred Percent Reading

11. No Connection – Already Gone

A generic fuzz guitar thrash and an angry young man being all fired up about something. Not sure what. He doesn’t like someone or something. He’s having a go at someone about something, maybe it’s his mum. I think he wants to leave home and I expect his mum probably wants him to as well. It’s alright, would be quite fun if I was all pissed up and full of amphetamines. (SH)

Rating: 63% Reading – No Connection? They must be on Talkmobile.

12. Chuck – Shakespeare’s Road
“I wanna live on Shakespeare’s Road,” the John Lydonesque singer (repeatedly) yell-sings here. Which is presumably why Chuck called this song ‘Shakespeare’s Road’. You have to imagine that he was never serious about living on Shakespeare’s road, though. Given that he lived in Reading when he (repeatedly) yell-sang that. And not Stratford-Upon-Avon where Shakespeare’s actual road would have been.

The album sleeve notes suggest that this song was recorded sometime in the early/mid-90’s and it shows. My guess is that it was recorded about five minutes after the band got back home from a Public Image Ltd. gig. (Mrs. STiR)

Rating: 40% Reading – Anger is an energy. But then so’s Lucozade.

13. Jonny Virgo – Joggin’ ‘n’ Doggin’

This is just the ticket. Combining three things we like – hip hop, exercise and dogging – Jonny Virgo manages to be funny whilst hammering out an actually-bloody-good tune. And you have to presume that name’s a nod to the co-host of Big Break, and that obviously gets bonus points.

VERDICT: I LIKE IT! (I Like It! podcast – listen to it here)

Rating: 93% Reading – Best listened to while climaxing in the back of a Citroen Zafira.

14. Jewels and The Jacuzzis – One Love

My tired old senile brain immediately went “ah, art student music”. I like girl singers so I thought I would review this according to what the music made me feel. Well it made me feel my cock. It took me right back to days watching studenty bands and wondering why I couldn’t get anywhere with nice arty student girls especially when they are advocating love for all. I’ll have some of that, yes please, hand it over, no chance. Basically I have absolutely no fucking idea what this song is all about but it has a nice bit of a reggae beat when it finally settles down. It’s okay, I always fancied girls wearing a tutu and Doc Martins.

I wonder what the eponymous “Jewels” is doing today. Perhaps she is called Julia and works in media. There was a girl called Julia who went to Kendrick who I fancied. I would have liked this song more if I was out of my brain on barley wine and weed. (SH)

Rating: 65% Reading – Not bad, but not as good as having actual jewels and a real Jacuzzi.

15. Aisle 22 – If I Can
From the moment it opens with the sound of stormy rain clouds breaking to give way to grating violin/viola (no idea), Aisle 22’s ‘If I Can’ offers up a sincerely bleak dirge with vocal timbre that puts you in mind of Elbow. Sometimes it’s hard to tell your arse from your Elbow, though.

If there’s a spill in Aisle 22, it’s the tears of anyone that listens to this song. Or the rain from those clouds. Or from a jar of Lloyd Grossman’s arrabiatta pasta sauce. (JY)

Rating: 80% Reading – Aisle admit, it’s a decent little song, this.

One Hundred Percent Reading

16. My Luminaries – A Little Declaration

I saw My Luminaries quite a lot back in the day and they were a hot tip for success. They were always good to watch with thoughtful, well-worked, confident songs. They could’ve been The Killers with the right breaks. This song is representative of their output, a wall of sound provided by guitars and drums with dynamic pauses for the singer to take over. This would go well as a festival anthem, it’s got just the right swing and heft. Fuck knows what it’s about, I’m not very good at listening to the words. I think he’s annoyed with his girlfriend and wishes he was a lumberjack.

I would have enjoyed this more if I was 25, out with my mates and full of rum and Coke. (SH)

Rating: 83% Reading – Better than most ‘big’ songs Indie 2008 plopped out.

17. The Noyze – Welcome to the Future

I remember The Noyze. They tried VERY HARD to be the ‘bad boys’ of Reading’s music scene. Sex Pistols they weren’t. Heck, Pete Doherty they weren’t. And booked twice by the same promoter they weren’t, either. This track sums all that up – an attempt at wildness hemmed in by an inability to actually be all that wild. It’s over 5 minutes long, this and feels twice that.

Also, there’s a degree of irony listening to a track called ‘Welcome To The Future’ 12 years after it was recorded (trust me guys, the future ain’t what you think it’ll be). (DP)

Rating: 39% Reading – It’s all just Noyze, really.

18. Jones Radio – Travelling Show

These guys named themselves after an obscure shop on the Oxford Road. That says a lot. And this track is a lot of fun to listen to. Haunting, echoing guitars, sparse vocals and a steady beat keeps it all interesting. Peaks, troughs, highs, lows, unexpected keyboard riffs – it truly takes you on a journey. Like the title suggests. (DP)

Rating: 90% Reading – Better than Alex Jones’ radio show.

19. Papa Alpha ft. Kirsten McIver – Cotton Clouds
Aaaaaaah yes, the band Portishead could have been if only they’d been BRAVE enough to use didgeridoos. Listening to this, I immediately felt like I’d had too many drugs/not enough drugs/what even are drugs? And I want to dance to this, all sway-y, like, at 4am in a smoke-filled room in some dodgy house we’ve all ended up at. A tiny piece of my mind thinking, ‘where am I again?’ And ‘was this a brilliant idea on a Tuesday night? The night before my best friend’s Mum’s funeral?’ But it’s too late. You’re inside the song. And there you stay until it spits you out. (Tex)

Rating: ?% Reading – When you think about it, we’re all just atoms bouncing inside around a simulation of a simulation, man. Soundwaves reflecting off each other, interconnected, as one. We’re only what we perceive ourselves to be. Fuck, I’m hungry. Where are the Pringles?

One Hundred Percent Reading


Here’s hoping a bunch of snide robots from the future dig these reviews up in the future and shit all over them, eh? It’s the least we deserve.