It’s likely that you won’t have heard about it or noticed it unless you’re particularly observant, but we’re currently experiencing something of a heatwave in this country. Temperatures are potentially about to break records in the South East, with Reading in a prime position to soak up lots of beautiful sunshine for us to all enjoy and top up our tans with.
Sorry, that’s not right, is it? It’s 2022 and everything’s a reason to panic and shit your knickers. So this fantastic weather that absolutely none of us have been enjoying is nothing but a giant cause for incredible concern.
With only the Met Office, every major TV news network, all national and local newspapers, the entirety of social media, your local council and most major corporations and brands telling us to ‘watch out’, ‘be careful’ and ‘have a bit of a drink every now and again’ like we’re particularly thick primary school children, we thought we’d help out by providing you fine (but ultimately simple-minded) people with some advice of our own.
This is Shit Things in Reading’s guide to keeping cool in Reading during a heatwave. Read it, enjoy it and don’t die.
1, Hang out in the freezer aisle of your local supermarket
Whether you shop down Waitrose in Caversham or the Lidl on the Oxford Road, you have near-permanent access to enormous freezer units by which you can sit and keep cool. Bring a deckchair and laptop and you can binge watch the latest Netflix series or catch up on some emails as you bask in the free chilled supermarket air.
Worried about being slung out? Don’t be. They legally can’t kick you out. Provided you buy a bag of peas or some fish fingers of something once every four to five hours, the staff can’t touch you. Remember – you know your rights!
2, Stay hydrated at one of town’s m̶a̶n̶y̶ pubs or bars
When it’s hot out there, it’s vital you keep hydrated. One of the best places to do this is ‘down the pub’ (if you can find one). Most pubs sell liquid by ‘the pint’ (slightly more than half a litre). Try ‘lager’ or ‘cider’. Doctors working on consultancy retainers for Diageo recommend seven to eight pints a day for full refreshment.
3, Avoid the discomfort of attempting to sleep at night by sleeping during the day
Sleeping during a spell of particularly hot weather can be tricky. We’ve all spent hot nights tossing and turning, with just a sheet over us, desktop fan sat on our bedside table swishing away at our overheating bodies. Make hot nights a thing of the past by – instead – sleeping during the day.
Sleeping during the day frees up the night for doing all the things it was too hot to do in the daytime, such as driving aggressively around Tilehurst, emailing Alok Sharma about the bins or digging large and unnecessary holes in your back garden.
4, Cool off in the Thames or the canal
When it gets really hot, have a little swim about in the Thames or the Kennet & Avon canal. Despite fearmongering from news outlets and the media for years, no one has actually drowned in a British waterway for well over a century .
5, Heat rises, so seek shelter underground in the Turtle’s basement bar
Heat rises – that’s basic science. Although that doesn’t explain why mountains are often covered in snow, but there you are. Still, heat rises, apparently.
If heat rises, it stands to reason that cold sinks. Although that doesn’t explain the fiery depths of Hell. Still, cold sinks, probably.
It would make sense that in order to cool keep in a heatwave, you need to go underground. Go subterranean. The basement part of the Purple Turtle, for instance. Customers rarely ever die from heat exhaustion down there, or if they do the management are very good at covering it up.
6, Think ‘ice, ice baby’
Now what’s cooler than being cool? That’s right! ‘Ice cold!’ Andrew 2000 or whatever his name was from The Outcasts knew the importance of ice during a hot spell. Ask him and he’ll tell you that when the mercury rises, you should munch on an ice cube or two.
If he was in Reading town centre, perhaps he’s recommend you getting a Tango Ice Blast from Manzano’s and snorting a dozen big fat lines of the stuff right there off one of the tables. Then he might ask you to lend him some sugar because he’s your neighbour. He’s an odd fella, but his heart’s in the right place.
7, Turn your central heating down a bit
Hot summers and the steep rise of energy costs meaning that when facing an extreme heatwave, it’s sensible to turn down your central heating by a few degrees. Knock it down to 23 or 24. That should do it.
8, Keep cool at one of Reading’s many swimming pools
You can keep cool in Reading by taking a dip in any one of the town’s many swimming pools such as ̶A̶r̶t̶h̶u̶r̶ ̶H̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶S̶w̶i̶m̶m̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶P̶o̶o̶l̶ ̶R̶e̶a̶d̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶C̶e̶n̶t̶r̶a̶l̶ ̶S̶w̶i̶m̶m̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶P̶o̶o̶l̶ Coral Reef in Bracknell.
9, Close everything
Make sure you close your windows, your doors, your curtains, your blinds, your eyes, your mouth, your ears and – most importantly – your mind. Heat is a sly killer, it will infiltrate your home and body at the merest of invitations. Take the man pictured here, for instance… Sunlight and warmth will have penetrated his gaping maw and cooked his gizzards in a matter of moments. RIP Screaming Traumatised Stock Image Idiot Man.
10, Ask for your Munchees/Rafina fry-up to be served cold
Popular wisdom has it that ‘there’s nowt more refreshing than a cooked breakfast’. But as popular as egg, bacon, beans, sausages, black pudding, mushrooms, grilled tomatoes, hash browns and fried bread, all washed down with a huge cup of piping hot tea, may be with us Brits when we’re looking to cool down, scientists now believe that The Great British Fry-Up may not actually be as cooling as first thought.
So when ordering your Big Breakfast Belly Buster Bastard from Café Rafina or Munchees, think smart. Ring ahead to place your order in advance, making sure you ask them to cook your Full English an hour before you arrive, thereby making your meal as cold and soothing as possibly. They’ll be only too pleased to keep your plate in the fridge and – if you ask – your brew in the freezer.
11, Consider using ice creams and lollies as sex aids at The 613
Cooped up in stuffy, airless rooms giving hand jobs to bus drivers, their sweaty bare arses getting friction burns from rubber sheets, it ain’t easy being a sex worker during a heatwave. So, if you’re a customer of our town’s finest knocking shop, be considerate of the staff’s needs.
We’re not talking about anything too fruity, like keeping them hydrated with ‘watersports’ or anything. This is Reading, not our twin town Düsseldorf. No, we’re talking something a little more vanilla. Literally. Perhaps try spanking them with a Magnum, using a Zoom as a dildo or a screwball for a butt plug.
12, Avoid being a Hollywood celebrity or transsexual near Ricky Gervais
We’ve left perhaps the most useful piece of heatwave advice until last. It’s vital that you don’t come into contact with Reading’s most famous son, Ricky Gervais. Especially if you’re a movie star at an awards ceremony or someone with gender dysphoria. Only the last thing you need during extreme heat is ‘a burn’! 🤣🤣🤣
Whatever you do during this spell of very hot weather, please make sure to overhydrate and panic. Godspeed, you sweaty, stinky twats.